These words of Jesus are recorded in all four gospels, and in some more than once. It seems like a statement He really wants us to understand; but his repetition suggests that He knows we resist such difficult instructions. We run, ignore them, or at best we do not understand. When I force myself to confront them directly and consider His meaning, I am perplexed and very uncomfortable.
On the subject of discomfort, I should mention what brought me to this post. My husband and I recently discovered we are expecting, and I am currently slogging through the first trimester. I am having a difficult time physically, trying to weather vomiting and dehydration in addition to the trademark fatigue and aches. I have never experienced anything so physically limiting, and for such a prolonged period of time. Although we are joyful at God's blessing to us, I am struggling to function at such a diminished capacity while still working full-time. It is undoubtedly a cross I am encountering for the first time and one of the most trying situations I have experienced.
In my prayers lately I have lamented to God, explaining that I feel further from Him than I did before feeling so terrible. That I feel as though I am letting Him down by not spending as much time reading Scripture as I normally do or being as involved in my ministry responsibilities as I feel I should be. I know it's foolish to place so much weight on my own efforts, but I am so afraid of drifting away. I am a wayward sheep.
The answer I seem to be getting is to accept the reality of the cross in my own life and to see more clearly that, as evident by Jesus' own physical and emotional agony during His Passion, suffering is not indicative of God's disfavor. (See also the Israelites in the desert for 40 years. Or the lives of the apostles. Or basically any saint or martyr.) In fact, Jesus' words above tell my reluctant heart that suffering is part of the program. There will be a cross for each of us, and we are to patiently accept it and keep pressing forward as best we can.
But doesn't He want me to be happy? To have abundant life? How can I serve him joyfully and live abundantly when I barely have enough energy to get in the shower? When I have to pull over each time I drive to share my lunch with the grass?
Maybe my holiness is more important to Him than my happiness. Maybe His ultimate purposes for me can only be accomplished through some hardship. God speaks throughout Scripture of trials and refining His people, which makes perfect sense to me- as long as it someone other than myself.
The kicker is that my husband and I were mainly trying to be obedient to God's will for our family in choosing to try natural family planning, not necessarily hoping or planning for a baby right out of the gate. So our pregnancy seems right now to be a direct result of our surrender to Him. What should we make of that? Unavoidable discomfort is one thing, but what about discomfort you could avoid by choosing a more worldly-minded option such as birth control? I have often found myself questioning whether we made the right decision.
But then I find myself back at Luke 9:23-24. Those unavoidable- and uncomfortable- words of Jesus. And as much as I loathe the crosses of this life, I am comforted. Because when we choose to trust and obey, to lay down our own plans and open ourselves to His, we are safe. We have discovered true Life. We may feel like we are losing things we want so much to hold on to, but we are gaining lasting and eternal joy and security in the only place it can be found: in Our Lord.
