Marital Mindfulness

My mom gave me a thin silver bracelet last year engraved with the words "Live today like he deploys tomorrow."  (I wish I could give credit specifically where it is due, to the designer, but I at least know she bought it online at Etsy.com.)  I have to admit, I did not appreciate the sentiment at the time.  Of course I vaguely thought of that emotionally-charged last day before a deployment, and how precious each second of it is, but the phrase quickly slipped from my mind and the bracelet ended up in a drawer.  (Sorry, Mom.)

 

But on the other side of last year's deployment and our first few months of marriage,  I've pulled it back out and slipped it on.    Because while I was praying for my husband the other day, The Lord interrupted me.  I thanked Him for blessing me with such an incredible man and asked for guidance to love him better.  Then a lightbulb: I want you to cherish him more.  Appreciate him more.  Keep fresh in your mind how painful those long separations are. 

 

And there I had it.  That was His guidance to me on loving my husband better- to tap into that longing.  That way I can be intentional about valuing him on a moment-to-moment basis.  If he really were deploying tomorrow (and in the not too distant future he will be,) I would do my best to push aside the tears and remind him with every word and action how much I love him and respect him, and possibly go along with his idea on how to spend the day. 

 

But how quickly I forget.  After a few months together that day-to-day routine sets in, and that sharp pang in my heart fades away until next time.  It is as if I put it on the shelf with the other emotions in the deployment segment of my life and don't dust it off again until the next one rolls around.  But with grace I can see beyond the daily grind of laundry and dishes and "Lord, I am too tired to make him happy," and put forth the effort needed to keep reminding myself how precious my husband is, and to keep reminding him of it too. 

 

So much of the life of faith depends our own wills, aided by the Holy Spirit.  I may not feel particularly passionate or even loving today, but I can pause and imagine that painful separation and appreciate what I have.  And of course, if even that proves difficult, I can pray.

Taking Up The Cross

If anyone wishes to be My disciple, they must deny themselves, take up their cross daily and follow Me. Whoever tries to save their life will lose it, but loses their life for My sake will find it. Luke 9:23-24

These words of Jesus are recorded in all four gospels, and in some more than once. It seems like a statement He really wants us to understand; but his repetition suggests that He knows we resist such difficult instructions. We run, ignore them, or at best we do not understand. When I force myself to confront them directly and consider His meaning, I am perplexed and very uncomfortable.

On the subject of discomfort, I should mention what brought me to this post. My husband and I recently discovered we are expecting, and I am currently slogging through the first trimester. I am having a difficult time physically, trying to weather vomiting and dehydration in addition to the trademark fatigue and aches. I have never experienced anything so physically limiting, and for such a prolonged period of time. Although we are joyful at God's blessing to us, I am struggling to function at such a diminished capacity while still working full-time. It is undoubtedly a cross I am encountering for the first time and one of the most trying situations I have experienced.

In my prayers lately I have lamented to God, explaining that I feel further from Him than I did before feeling so terrible. That I feel as though I am letting Him down by not spending as much time reading Scripture as I normally do or being as involved in my ministry responsibilities as I feel I should be. I know it's foolish to place so much weight on my own efforts, but I am so afraid of drifting away. I am a wayward sheep.

The answer I seem to be getting is to accept the reality of the cross in my own life and to see more clearly that, as evident by Jesus' own physical and emotional agony during His Passion, suffering is not indicative of God's disfavor. (See also the Israelites in the desert for 40 years. Or the lives of the apostles. Or basically any saint or martyr.) In fact, Jesus' words above tell my reluctant heart that suffering is part of the program. There will be a cross for each of us, and we are to patiently accept it and keep pressing forward as best we can.

But doesn't He want me to be happy? To have abundant life? How can I serve him joyfully and live abundantly when I barely have enough energy to get in the shower? When I have to pull over each time I drive to share my lunch with the grass?

Maybe my holiness is more important to Him than my happiness. Maybe His ultimate purposes for me can only be accomplished through some hardship. God speaks throughout Scripture of trials and refining His people, which makes perfect sense to me- as long as it someone other than myself.

The kicker is that my husband and I were mainly trying to be obedient to God's will for our family in choosing to try natural family planning, not necessarily hoping or planning for a baby right out of the gate. So our pregnancy seems right now to be a direct result of our surrender to Him. What should we make of that? Unavoidable discomfort is one thing, but what about discomfort you could avoid by choosing a more worldly-minded option such as birth control? I have often found myself questioning whether we made the right decision.

But then I find myself back at Luke 9:23-24. Those unavoidable- and uncomfortable- words of Jesus. And as much as I loathe the crosses of this life, I am comforted. Because when we choose to trust and obey, to lay down our own plans and open ourselves to His, we are safe. We have discovered true Life. We may feel like we are losing things we want so much to hold on to, but we are gaining lasting and eternal joy and security in the only place it can be found: in Our Lord.